Humour (or Humor for the yanks out there that cannot spell in English)

Follow this link to visit our ADULT Jokes - do not enter if the politically incorect, adult language or sex offends.

Follow this link to visit our Sporting Moments - a lighthearted look at sport!

Follow this link to visit our Signs of the times - office culture!

Old Timers

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming with crystal clear water. One night, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond hiding their naked bodies. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied; "I didn't come down here to look at you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I just came down here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill.

A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for about ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old
lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47. "Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

Medicare A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office on the Gold Coast. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse, and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Influence A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn checking account!" The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager assures her that under no circumstances should she have to listen to such foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no freaking problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the freakin' lottery... and I want to open a damn checking account at this suck-ass bank." "I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too...

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Aging
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy. He turned to the second Mom. Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny. He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy. At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers "come on Dick, we're leaving."

I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. ! Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...

This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my chequebook? Oops, there's only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk. Oh, there's the Coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those cheques. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots - - Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do? End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the chequebook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...

Love Sick

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamines and three condoms. Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you just won't believe." "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy. The barman replies, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

The Fifth Affair
Jack was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!" "I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

Kids

Little Johnny was doing very badly in maths. His parents tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything that they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn’t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and Little Johnny is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, Little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Johnny got an A in Maths. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, ”Son, what was it? Was it the Nuns?” Little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head. “Well then,” she replies “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniform, WHAT was it??” Little Johnny looks at her and says, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t mucking around.”

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
Man & Wife
#1 - Macho man meets his match ...
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."

#2 - Till death do us part ...
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

#3 - Joined at the tooth ...
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. " Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

#4 - Revenge with numbers ...
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home my little mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, father of four!"

#5 - Second opinion ...
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at breakfast table. He gets up in a rage and says, "And you are not good in bed either" and storms out of the house. A couple of hours later he decides to make amends and in between patient appointments he calls her. After many rings, she answers the phone; irritated for having to wait, the husband says, "So why'd it take you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed this late in the day?" he demands. She responds sweetly, "Getting a second opinion."

A woman is having a 'little fun' with her lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says,"I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

The Australian Medical Association has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research. It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

A former submariner whose eyesight was getting poor spotted what he thought was a cock shop and he decided to enter and proceeded to undo his fly and place his penis on the counter and said. “Can you fix this”. The startled woman behind the counter said. “This is a clock shop”. So he said. “Can you put two hands and a face on this?”

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven. Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?" God said, "Ahh, yes" "Well," said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

• 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
• 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
• 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
• 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And finally,
• 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here -- got any more tips?" See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old timer, "..but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

"We have 5 floors ...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside. But once you go past a floor you cannot return"

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"...the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to ... the third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."

This was good but there were still two more floors. On to the fourth floor, the sign was Perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."

The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.

When they reach the fifth floor, the sign reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."

Osama bin Laden and Osama bin Asubmariner

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

While waiting, they begin to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer ...for a couple of months... and they discussed if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together for ever?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?!"

"Well then could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly" "Fix the Fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break" "Does it look like I've got Mitre 10 written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed, and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the Fridge to get a beer and notices that the Fridge door is also fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" "Well," she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked.

She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"

The father replies: "My dear son. The Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approximately 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings."

The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father: "Daddy, what are Arabs?"

The Indian said, "I'm telling what time it is." Then he looked at the shadow cast by his penis and said, "It's one o'clock."

The rancher kept on riding, and after about an hour, he came across another Indian, lying in the dirt, completely naked, and with a
huge erection. The rancher said, "Are you telling what time it is, too?" The Indian said, "Sure am." Then he looked at the shadow cast by his penis and said, "It's two o'clock."

The rancher rode on for another hour, until he came to a third Indian, lying in the dirt, completely naked, and masturbating vigorously. The rancher said, "Those other two Indians were telling time. Why the hell are you whacking off like that?" The Indian said, "I'm winding my watch."

One time during the underway watch the OOD decided to test a Chief Petty Officer's seamanship.

"Chief, what would you do if the forward watch fell off the side of the ship?" "Easy, sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures."

"What would you do if an officer fell overboard?" "Hmmm," The Chief said, "Which one, sir?"

A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

A Chief and a captain happened to be in the head at an airport one day, both standing at the urinals. The chief, finishing first, proceeded to the door and was about to leave when the captain said, You know, Chief, we officers are taught at ADFA to wash our hands after we urinate. The Chief responded with, You know, Captain, we are taught at CERBERUS not to piss on our hands. And promptly departed.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house" instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said,
"You come with us, too." "But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered. " answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."

A Queenslander is drinking in a Victorian bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Brisbane, folks ... like I said, my boy is a typical Brisbane baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Brisbane baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were going to call you; so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his XXXX Bitter, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bar and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised."

What the hell is BELL 4? asked the husband?

ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, she yelled, YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE

She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The following week the blond again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. The third week she again prays... "God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE-just et me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blond is confronted by the voice of God Himself ...

"Sweetheart-work with me on this --- buy a ticket.!"

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says," I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on".

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower

"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $ 800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

Love bite ???????

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "you used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "then you used to bite my neck"

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?"she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Subject: An Englishmen, Irishman & Scotsman

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman went for a round of golf; their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course, the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, fell over landing with her skirt up over her head, revealing that she was wearing NO KNICKERS!!

'Oh! My Gracious!!' The Englishman stormed over to her angrily demanding a reason for her extreme undress. Well darling,' she explained, 'you give me such little allowance, I have to make the odd sacrifice and usually, no one notices.'

The Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and gave her a ten pound note to go to Marks & Spencer to buy some knickers. Two holes further along, the Irishman's wife tripped over mole hill and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt also went up over her head, exposing all and revealing NO KNICKERS!!

The Irishman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. 'Well darling,' she explained, 'you give me such little allowance I simply cannot afford undergarments.' The Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, 'Here's a fiver. Go to Woolworths and get some knickers, woman.'

Three holes later, the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt up over her head revealing that she too was wearing NO KNICKERS!! Her explanation was the same, lack of allowance. The Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, 'Here's a comb, at least tidy yerself up a wee bit!!!!!

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening." His wife then asked him what his toast was and he said, "Here's To The Best Years of me Life, Spent in Church wit me Wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
"But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. "Well, then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead... take it out he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it... and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said... "Hello, Mom can you hear me?"

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the f#$%ing bed . . . "

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.... The woman giggles and replies, Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!" Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.

"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded.

		A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards. " Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f****ing putt, didn't you?

Aussies

A New Zealander, an Aussie and a South African were all in Saudi Arabia sharing a smuggled carton of beer. All of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the beer, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Kiwi was next up (he almost finished a stubbie), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back. " But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Aussie was the last one up (he had finished off the carton), but before the Aussie could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:"You are from a most beautiful country, your Cricket team is the best in the world, your footballers are terrific and your women are very sexy. For this, you may have two wishes!".

"Thanks mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Aussie replies. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, whatis it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Please tie the New Zealander to my back."

Some of these make sense

(1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." * Steven Seagal
(2) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun withit. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." * Jeff Foxworthy
(3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." * Robin Williams
(4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." * Dave Barry
(5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" * Marilyn Pittman
(7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." * Paula Poundstone
(8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "duh." * Conan O'Brien
(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. . I could be eating a slow learner." * Lynda Montgomery
(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a ride on vacuum cleaner." * Roseanne
(11) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" * Richard Jeni
(12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." * Johnny Carson
(13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." * Paul Rodriguez
(15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" * Warren Hutcherson
(16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." * Oscar Wilde
(18) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself." * Mark Twain
(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." * A. Whitney Brown
(20) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet," * Robin Williams
(21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." * Roseanne
(23) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" * Dave Barry
(24) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." * George Carlin
(26) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
(27) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." * Drew Carey

Golf
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about
100 yards. " Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f****ing putt, didn't you?

Peter Smith

A letter to Dear Abby

Dear Abby, My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do. Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

A week after their marriage, the Tennessee Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor." I can't figure out Doc and I'm really worried," said the husband, "my testicles are turning blue." That's pretty unusual," said the doctor, "let me examine you." The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?" "Yes, I am," she replied. "And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" "Grape."

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied."I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away,and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her,"What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!" Moral of the story...................never lie to kids.

An Italian man, relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. He invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk they made love. After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with a smile, "So... you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No." Pleasantly surprised, the young man reached for her and had his way with her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing with screams of passion. Again, the young man smiles, and asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and says "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he barely manages to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, the exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?" "No!" she shouts back. "Swedish!"

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impedement who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over." The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "Ok, what about the ear'th?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to thee her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrath that. I'd like to thee her run!"

Mal McQueen

Several from my Aunt Autie :)

Animal tales

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f**king cat."

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it." The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"

Alan Aldred

ET

Two aliens land in the Arizona desert and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddled out of their ship and looked around.

The first thing they see that resembles a human being is a gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response. The first alien looks at his buddy and addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Still no response. The alien turns to his buddy and says, "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him! At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block." The first alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien takes out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump. The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block where his buddy waits.

He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second alien. "If you knew that was going to happen, why didn't you warn me!?" The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly what was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna mess with a guy whose penis hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick it in his ear!"

The Seven Samurai (minus four)

Once upon a time a powerful emperor of Japan advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three samurai had applied for the job: one Japanese, one Chinese, and one Jewish. The emperor called them all before hiscourt.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and <Swish!
... the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! "What a feat!" said the Emperor.

"Samurai number two, show me what you can do." The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and <Swish!<Swish!
... the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.

"How are you going to top that, samurai number three?" Samurai number three stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing a fly, drew his samurai sword and <Swoooooosh!
... flourished his sword so mightily, that a gust of wind blew through the room. But... the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead... Dead is easy. But a circumcision? THAT takes skill!"

Oops......

A priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it no matter how many times he checked around his parish. Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass. From the pulpit, he asked loudly, "Anyone got a cock?"
All the men inside the church stood up! No, I mean, has anyone seen a cock?" All the women inside the church stood up.
"No, no, no... what I mean is ... has anyone seen MY cock?" All the altar boys stood up!

Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Poor Noah

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going tomake it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind ofliving thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark. "In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark". In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year".

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah", He shouted, "Where is the Ark?", 'Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with Occupational Health & Safety Commission over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge a Rezoning Application with Brisbane City Council. & it is now with the Land & Environment Court.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Kookaburra. I finally convinced the Dept of Conservation & Land Management that I needed the wood to save the Kookaburras. However, National Parks & Wildlife won't let me catch any kookaburras, so, no kookaburras. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Dept of Industrial Relations before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters
on the Ark, but still no kookaburras. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by the RSPCA. They objected to me only taking two of each kindaboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Dept of Land and Water Conservation demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a complete set of UBD's & Gregory's.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the EqualEmployment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The Australian Tax Office has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I am also having to wait for registration of my ABN for the GST. I just got a notice from the Waterways Authority that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational watercraft". I also need a Boat Drivers Licence but they are debating about how to classify the craft. I am getting continual visits from GreenPeace, RSPCA, WorkCover, Sheriff's Office & numerous other government departments. Finally, the Australian
Council for Civil Liberties got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"

Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully, "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?". "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The Government bureaucracy already has."

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well dressed, just past middle age gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want to see Natalie," the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone
else..." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in arow. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "I'm from Melbourne". "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there." "Yes, I know," said the man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance." Moral: Some things in life are certain: taxes, death, and being screwed by an attorney.

Two guys from Freo die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them sunbaking by the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from WA, the Golden State, the land of sunshine. We love the heat."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still lazily kicking back, sucking away on a couple of stubbies of Emu Bitter. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, and can't you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from WA, the Golden state, the land of sunshine. We love the heat." This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Fremantle and finds them kicking back in board shorts and thongs, drinking EB and cooking a 'barbie'. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Freo lads reply, "Well, ya know, it kind of reminds us of home when the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat, so the devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Freo boys. He gets there and finds them rugged up in their swannies, mittens and beanies. NOW they are stamping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"

The Freo lads look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know?" "If hell freezes over, it must mean that the Dockers have just won the AFL Grand Final".

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

Dave Hopkins

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: " Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how . . .?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day . . . )

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save some time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a newsflash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a spate of this happening somewhere?)

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover.. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a car salesman!"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
He finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful woman will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?
If a car salesman offers you anything at no cost, there's going to be a string attached

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now over 40 and looking for a girl with very big tits.

The last three from Dave Hopkins

Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem!" The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper barg." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry.

He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,"Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

======= PART TWO =======

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he, walks up carrying the familiar peeper barg. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."

======= PART THREE =======

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper barg'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you . . . . . fockin' hen gliding".

Paul Hartridge

Survival...read it or the rabbit gets it!

The SAS, the Guards Regiments and the Police are sent on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.

First up are the SAS. They don their infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot.

They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent" says the trainer.

Next up are the Guards. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and bloodcurdling war cries.

Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar lemur one, suspect headed straight for you" etc.

After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like asked you 5 hours ago!" So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night.

The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises. "Are you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate trainer. The police team leader shoots a mean glance at the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f******g rabbit!"

"Going deep" Bob Head

Memories

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money-back!

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled
sweetly and said, "Not this time."

------------------------------------------------------------

The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever Seen! "I'm sorry Mr.Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the deadman's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

------------------------------------------------------------

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

------------------------------------------------------------

The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

------------------------------------------------------------

The Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!" "I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you!"

Peter Smith

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?" He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time I hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head!"

Mal McQueen

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and alongcomes St. Peter, who by the way...does not miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is VERY, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day St.
Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on...a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy brunette. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity? "She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

Peter Smith

A salty Navy Chief Petty Officer and a crusty Infantry Sergeant are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Infantry," the Sergeant declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars."

"Fresh out of recruit school, I battled up the Kokoda Trail, clawed my way up the blood-soaked mud, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade." "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire."

"Finally, as a staff sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In a firefight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our rifles were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says: "Yeah, it figures...all shore duty!"

Roger Hardwicke

Quick Thinking

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's licence? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th fine.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah?! I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding too!

Peter Smith

It was visitors day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard.." "Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor. "You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?" "Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor.... "They are the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

True Friends
Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems thatalways sound good but never actually come close to reality?Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to truefriendship and truth itself!

Friend,
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastardwho made you sad.
When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again.I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, ...I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

P.S. A friend will help you move.A really good friend will help you move a body.

Mal McQueen

A drunk man who reeked of beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say father, what causes arthritis?"

"My son, it's caused by loose living,being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it father, I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Joe Young

"I've been to the pub," slurs Clancy "Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did all right " Clancy says with a smile."

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," Clancy sighs. "For a moment there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Joe Young

Steam gives way to....

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The Stranded Knucklehead...

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him,
"And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "NO WAY! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Read and understand, for this is the past, and the future.

In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
And the darkness was upon the face of the Junior Rates. And they spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."

And the Junior Rates went unto their Senior Rates, and sayeth: "It is a bucket of dung, and none can abide the odour thereof"

And the Senior Rates went unto the Coxswain and sayeth unto him, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide it."

And the Coxswain went unto the Jimmy and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength." And the Jimmy spoke with the Old Man and Staff Officers, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."

And the Old Man went unto the Captain S/M Squadron and sayeth to him, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful."

And the Captain S/M's went unto the Flag Officer Submarines, and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote moral and fighting efficiency among Submariners."

And the Flag Officer Submarine looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good. And the plan became policy.

And this is how shit happens.

"PO Jack Dusty Store Ship. Both watches to make and mend"

BobHead

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from Northeastern US:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F**kin' rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a f**king grenade in my mouth, pull the f**king pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f**king mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. F**k it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the f**king 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Prawn Heads

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of
the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's
disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well
want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally he
finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the
train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when he police smell your fingers."

Peter Smith

Lessons from a Sparrow.

Once upon a time, a non-conforming sparrow decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.
In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end.
But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe,
he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:
1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut!

Why Submarines are better than woman:
1. A submarine will kill you quickly. A woman takes her time.
2. Submarines like it done at all angles.
3. Submarines can be turned on easily anytime.
4. A submarine doesn't mind if you smoke, drink, tell dirty jokes or cuss.
5. A submarine does not object to being rigged for dive.
6. Submarines come with manuals.
7. A submarine is built for going down
8. A submarine once down is quite willing to say there as long as you want.
9. Submarines are always in trim.
10. You can dive a submarine any time of the month.
11. Submarines don't whine unless something is really wrong.
12. Submarines don't care how many other subs you have sailed on.
13. Submarines don't come with in-laws.
14. When sailing, you and your submarine arrive at the same time.
15. Submarines don't mind if you look at other submarines or if you buy books and magazines about them.
16. Submarines don't complain if you sleep somewhere else.
17. Submarines don't mind if you stop off for a few beers on the way back.
18. It's OK to tie up a submarine
19. You can leave your submarine but it will never leave you.
20. You get paid extra money for riding on a submarine.
21. Submarines don't mind if you sit up all night eating and talking loud with your friends
22. Submarines always smell the same all month long.

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the
class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:

"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

West Oz Men

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trios.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/store/restaurant/laundry and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Australian men divided the island into 'Western Australia' and 'Other States' and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun."

Rural Australian Thesaurus Of Computer Terminology

LOG ON - Make the barbecue hotter
LOG OFF - Don't add any more wood
MONITOR - Keeping an eye on the barbecue
DOWNLOAD - Get the firewood off the ute
HARD DRIVE - trip back home without any cold tinnies
FLOPPY DISC - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
KEYBOARD - where you hang the ute and bike keys
WINDOW - What you shut when it's cold
SCREEN - what you shut in the mosquito season
BYTE - what mosquitoes do
BIT - What mosquitoes did
MEGA BYTE - What Townsville mosquitoes do
CHIP - a bar snack
MICRO CHIP - What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips
MODEM - What you did to the lawns
DOT MATRIX - Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAPTOP - where the cat sleeps
SOFTWARE - Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster
HARDWARE - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
MOUSE - what eats the grain in the shed
MAINFRAME - what holds the shed up
WEB - What spiders make
WEB SITE- The shed or under the verandah
CURSOR - the old bloke who swears a lot
SEARCH ENGINE - what you do when the ute won't go
YAHOO - what you say when the ute does go
UPGRADE - a steep hill
SERVER - the person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
MAIL SERVER - the bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
USER - the neighbour who keeps borrowing things
NETWORK - when you have to repair your fishing net
INTERNET - complicated fish net repair method
NETSCAPE - when fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
ONLINE - When you get the laundry hung out
OFFLINE - When the pegs don't hold the washing up.

The lost chapter in Genesis
So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "And what will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?........."
The rest is history!

Do you know why they call it PMS.....? Because Mad Cow disease was already taken .

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that Russia had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug down 300 metres, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that early Americans had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the English press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, English scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago the English were already using mobile phones."

It could happen to you
It got so crowded in heaven that, for one day it was decided only to accept only people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a massive heart attack and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK picture this .....I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator and

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple whohad been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up andleft the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

Veterans Affairs

A Lieutenant Colonel got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Sir, your barrack's door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later, happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open, and remembered what she had said.

Thinking himself a clever Lieutenant Colonel he decided to have some fun with his secretary. He called and asked her, "By the way, Miss Secretary, when you saw my barrack's door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Satan goes to Church

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, you're the Devil." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 40 years."

An old Sailor

An old sailor went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his rum, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the sailor and asked him, "Are you a real sailor?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life at sea, crossing oceans, visiting ports, and eating in galleys so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left

A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old sailor and asked him, "Are you a real sailor?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground, rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear; right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of his predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would behypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out, the river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws
together...bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Regards. (Run the Telemotor pump in 'hand'.!)
Derek. ;o)

He said...... she said

************************************
He said... Want a quickie?
She said...As opposed to what?
************************************
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
************************************
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a Fortune?
She said...Not at all honey; I would love you no matter whom Left you the money.
************************************
She said..."I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoopee! Start packing!"
He said... "That's great! What should I pack?"
She said..."Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the Time I get there"
*********************************
He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."
**********************************
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
**********************************
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst possible way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
**********************************
He said... 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, Then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the House, we could fire the maid as well.'
She said...'Darling, if you could only learn to satisfy me Properly we could do without the gardener too'
**********************************
Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like Your late husband.'
She said...who's gonna look?'
**********************************
He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, Have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?
*********************************
He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your Looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a Moron than he is blind.
********************************
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I Gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
*****************************
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
*************************************
He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... You stand by the ironing Board While I sit on the sofa and fart. "

The truth about Chiefs.......
A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?" "No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself." The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?" The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

********************************************************

A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right in, Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!" The admiral looked thru the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just one thing, sonny. I hope there are no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place." "Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter. "No Chief has ever made it into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here."

So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm. Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face. "Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here! So what the hell is THAT?!?"

"Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS he's a Chief."

Thanks to ET1 Gibbs for these.

Life is a test.. At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is... having friends. At age 16, success is... having a driver's license. At age 20, success is... having sex. At age 35, success is... having money. At age 50, success is... having money. At age 60, success is... having sex. At age 70, success is... having a driver's license. At age 75, success is... having friends. At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants. Definitions ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines Signs you're getting older a.. The only reason you're still awake at 4am is indigestion. b.. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. c.. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. d.. Your back goes out more than you do.. e.. You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials... f.. You're asleep but others worry that you're dead.... g.. Your best friend is dating someone half his age..and isn't breaking any laws... h.. You start singing along with the elevator music... i.. An old lady offers you her seat on the bus... j.. Your car must have 4 doors.... k.. The phone rings and you hope it's not for you... l.. You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style.....twice m.. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life... n.. 8 am is your idea of sleeping in... o.. Your biggest concern when dancing is falling.... p.. People call you at 9 pm and ask "Did I wake you?" q.. You no longer answer "Fine" when people ask how you are... r.. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.... s.. You don't like to drive after dark... t.. You read the obituaries daily...... u.. You begin a sentence by saying, "When I was your age..." v.. You know all the warning signs of a heart attack... w.. Nobody ever tells you to slow down... x.. Your eyebrows look like shrubbery and your wife's have disappeared. y.. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it... z.. You have to get a permit to light the candles on your birthday cake... aa.. Comfort takes the place of fashion... ab.. Someone sees you naked and screams... ac.. When you talk about "good grass" you're referring to someone's lawn. ad.. Strangers ask you to please put on a bra..... ae.. You can't sit still without falling asleep... af.. Your idea of the perfect nightcap is Metamusil ag.. Nobody wants to see your cleavage ah.. You start believing that you really did walk five miles to school barefoot and in the snow..... Blame Ken (Biff) Mills for these....... Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly "It's true, straight up, no bull!" A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's bl**dy heavy." A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge." Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...' Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my a*se" "How's that?" "Don't you start" "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then." What's got 4 legs and an arm ? A happy Rottweiler !! Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d" What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG What do you use a wombat for? For playing wom! Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'" Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?' biff@peninsula.hotkey.net.au Beware of the DOLPHIN...... Little Mary was playing in the front yard when she called out to her mother: "Mum, there is a sailor coming down the street". Her mother replied "Come inside Mary". Mary responded, "Mummy, he is wearing dolphins on his chest". Her mother responded urgently "Quick, come in straight away, and bring the dog". Why We Are All Proud To Be Australian Citizens Only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. is "you awake" the standard form of foreplay do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their Panadol's etc while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries...and a Diet Coke do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counter. do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and store our junk in the garage. do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood sucking creatures" do we live by the saying "you're never too drunk if you can still find the floor" Stand proud Aussie's everywhere....! Senility Prayer God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. 19. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after. 20. If I already sent this to you before, please see #4 above. Thanks to Michael Kodluboy

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes English: He's cleaning his car Chinese: Wa Shing Ka English: This is a tow away zone Chinese: No Pah King English: Is there a fugitive here? Chinese: Hu Yu Hai Ding? English: Small horse Chinese: Tai Ni Po Ni English: Has your flight been delayed? Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting? English: I thought you were on a diet? Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching? English: Stay out of sight Chinese: Lei Lo English: Phew! Does this bathroom stink! Chinese: Hu Flung Dung English: Your price is too high!!! Chinese: No Bai Nut Ding!!! English: Did you go to the beach? Chinese: Wai Yu So Tan? English: I bumped into a coffee table Chinese: Ai Bang Mai Ni English: It's very dark here Chinese: Wai So Dim? English: They have arrived Chinese: Hai Dei Kum English: Your body odor is offensive Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu English: You know lyrics to the Macarena? Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? English: I got this for free Chinese: Ai No Pei IN THE BEGINNING.......... In the beginning there was a word: and the word was GOD. All else was darkness and void without form. So GOD created the Heavens and Earth. He created the Sun and the Moon and the Stars, so that light may pierce the Darkness. The Earth, God divided between the Land and the Sea and He filled it with many assorted "creatures". The dark, salty, slimy, creatures that inhabited the seashore He called Royal Marines and he dressed them accordingly. The flighty creatures of the air He called Airy-Fairies, and these He clothed in uniforms, which were ruffled and foul. These creatures were not over popular, as their droppings fell on the earth below, but God forgave them because as He said, "they know not what they do". The lowest creatures of the Sea, God called Skimmers, and with a twinkle in his eye, and a sense of humour only he could have, God gave them big Grey steel targets to go to sea on. He also gave them very many splendid uniforms to wear. He gave them wonderful and exotic places to visit. He gave them pen and paper so that they might write home every week and He gave them "make and mends" at sea! He also gave them 'chinky' laundries' that they might keep their splendid uniforms clean (when you are God you tend to get carried away at times). On the seventh day as we know God rested, and on the eighth day at 0700Z God looked down upon the Earth and was not a ' Happy God'. He realized something vital was missing. So he thought about his labours and with his infinite wisdom, God decided to create a divine creature he would call a "Submariner". These Submariners, whom God created in his own likeness, were to be of the Deep, so he gave them Silent Running to keep them warm. He gave them sleek, black, steel messengers of Death to roam the depths of the Oceans, waging war against the forces of Satan and Evil. He gave them hotels to welcome them when they grew weary of doing God's will. He gave them 'subsistence' so that they may entertain the ladies on nights ashore, and impress the hell out of the poor creatures called Skimmers. At the end of the eighth day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that all was well. But God was still not Happy, because, in the course of his labours, He had forgotten one thing! He had not given Himself the Submariner's silent running! He thought long and hard, and finally satisfied his mind that not just "ANYBODY" can be a Submariner. Thanks to Biff Mills Suggestions for the ex-submariner that misses "the good old days on the boat" Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble Repeat back everything anyone says to you. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sun light. Only view the world through the peep hole on your front door. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Shower once a week. Use no more than 2 gallons of water per shower. Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store garbage in the other side of your bathtub. Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and the motor running, but don't go anywhere. Install 200 extra oil temperature gauges. Take logs on all gages and indicators every 30 minutes. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run to your kitchen with the garden hose while wearing a scuba mask. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together. Ensure you have parts left over. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months. Limit showers to weekly for all guests. (Unless they are interested in electronics....force those guests to shower three times daily and wear * bottle of stale cologne following each bathing). Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books. Every so often, yell "Emergency Stations", run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor.Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea". Fill laundry tubs with oil. Lay in them, on your back, and change the washers on the water spigots. Buy bunk beds (3 high type) and convert the narrowest hallway in your home into a bedroom. Just for fun, rig 700 PSI air to the bottom of all toilets. Hold a lottery to determine who gets to control the air valves. At night, replace all lightbulbs in the livingroom with red bulbs. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your home and wait two weeks before eating them. Peridocally, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not. Ensure that no matter what kind of job you are working on, there is someone standing over your shoulder instructing you on how to do it better/faster even though they can't do it themselves. Yell "Man Overboard" and throw the cat in the pool. Overflow the bathtub and yell "Flooding in the bathroom". One after after falling asleep, have your wife shine a flashlight (which costs $200) in your eyes and say "sorry, wrong rack." With thanks to The Golden Rivet

ANOTHER REASON WHY ICE CREAM IS BAD FOR THE HEART.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother.When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning,in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused,and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn icecream van going past, he'd still be alive."

For all of you who have attempted various diets this one is probably worth considering.
You may already be using it!

A diet for "Stress" Breakfast Half a grapefruit, 1 slice whole wheat-toast dry, 8 oz. skimmed milk Lunch 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea, 1 chocolate cookie biscuit Mid-afternoon snack Rest of the chocolate cookies in the package 2 pints of rocky road ice cream, 1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream Dinner 2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Milky Way candy bars Late evening news Entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer Rules for this diet If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. Cookie pieces contain no calories – the process of breaking causes calorie leakage. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and popsicles. Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.